Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Language editing – example

What they sent me... (1 sentence of some 44 words)

The theme for this program was developed in recognition that the upcoming 2008 U.S. national election is a very timely topic and to highlight the challenge faced by many PCPs confronted with choosing among multiple therapies to treat their patients with type 2 diabetes.

What I returned to them... (essentially 3 sentences, 2 joined by semicolon, 52 words, clarity)

The theme for this program was developed in recognition of the prominent media coverage of the 2008 US national election; Decision 2008 will draw from that prominence but refocus the discussion. Many PCPs must make an important decision about which therapy represents the best choice for their patients with type 2 diabetes.

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